Day 16: Ending the Week on a Zen Moment

Obviously this week has not been great, but it came and went all the same. I did a great exercise my therapist told me called "The Anger Iceberg". When you are angry it's only really the tip of the iceberg of your emotions. Anger is always masking other feelings. So what you do is you get a piece of paper and draw an iceberg with a waterline. Above the waterline is ANGER. Below the waterline is where you write everything out, what you're really feeling. It was extremely cathartic and just naming what was really bothering me dispersed my anger.

To bring us into the weekend, here's a Zen Moment for you.

Day 15: You Wouldn't Like Me When I'm Angry

I'm not really used to feeling rage or being livid, or being so frustrated my heart beats in my eyeballs.

This is my daily 9-5 right now. It's been building for awhile, but now it seems too much to handle. I dread every single morning (except for Saturdays). How is that for a life? It's not. I think that's why I get even more upset. I know I'm worth more than that. Than this. Yet every day I show up. I have to. Because everyone else around me seems incapable of being reliable.

I'm so sick of everyone and everything at work dictating my mood. I am miserable for 9 hours a day and beyond overwhelmed with stuff after work. It seems like I just can't get out of this cycle. I love doing improv, but it's a ton of driving and planning to make sure the pup gets a walk in and fed again. I'm feeling like everything is becoming my responsibility and there's no one there to help me out if I stumble and fall. I'm just tired of being the most competent person in the fucking room.

I feel like the past week has just been me complaining and feeling like a victim. I hate feeling this way. I can't shake it. Everything is setting me on edge. A tiny and minor irritation is making me want to rip my skin off and scream at the top of my lungs. My throat is constantly constricting and my heart will randomly speed up. I catch myself realizing I have a scowl on my face. It's like this black cloud won't stop raining on me. My journal entries are awful and dark. This mood scares me to pieces.  

Day 14: Blerg

This whole week has not been great. Currently my mood is anywhere between "dear God help me" and "I'm just gonna jump".

I can hardly see straight I am so beyond frustrated and done with a lot of current situations in my life. My dreams are hardly any relief seeing as I am dreaming about ants, which symbolizes feeling unnecessary and insignificant. #PartyOnWayne

I need a change and I need it now. I've always been one to shy away from change because I fear the unknown of it all. But honestly, anything is going to better than what it is now.

Praying and praying and asking and asking.

Day 13: Yes or No

When I get stressed at work because no one seems to have any respect for deadlines, I always tell myself it’ll either get done or it won’t. That’s really the only two options. It calms my nerves a bit to think about it in those black and white terms. It’s a yes or no. There’s no other path.

I used to think this way in high school when I would get nervous about an upcoming game. I would remind myself that no matter what someone will win and someone will lose. Tomorrow was still going to come around and the outcome would be one of the two options.

I still come back to this notion while I wait for opportunities, specifically right now about a new job. I’m anxious and nervous and excited and impatient. Sometimes the anticipation of the answer is worse than the outcome. But when I find myself getting all worked up over it I just think I will get the job or I won’t. Those are the only options. Either path will lead me somewhere new, whether it be a great new position or an entirely different one that wasn’t on my radar yet.

But no matter what happens, I control my reaction to it. I don’t fear rejection as much as I once did because I don’t give it any power. It is just one of the outcomes that is possible. It is neither good nor bad, it just is. When things don’t work out the way I want them to it’s usually for a specific reason, like something better is on the horizon or I really would not have been happy. It’s odd, but when things don’t work out, I’m grateful for it because I know there’s a reason behind it (even if I can’t see that reason for some time).

A small victory for me today: I was getting my oil changed and an older woman chose to sit right next to me, even though the place was completely empty and there were a ton of other seats. I chose to see it as an opportunity to strike up a conversation. We pleasantly chatted and laughed together. It was nice to push myself out of my comfort zone and interact with a stranger. She was really nice and it boosted my confidence to get out of my shy shell and participate in the world. 

Day 12: Fuck Mondays

I’m hurting today. Mentally and emotionally.

It’s just one of those Mondays where things go from bad to worse to detrimental. It’s days like today where I have to constantly remind myself to keep it together, to not lose my shit, to not cry, to not do something drastic. It’s days like these that make me question over and over what the fuck am I doing with my only life?

I am so fucking miserable right now. I feel like I am drowning. I can see the surface, but it’s like a hazy memory that I can’t seem to fully recall no matter how hard I try. I am so sick of coming to a job every single day that takes everything away from me. This is not the environment I want to be a part of. I am done with wasting my life.

I feel like I am trying to numb myself a lot, especially at work. I constantly am browsing online when I could be editing or writing. At least I have my eating to a healthy place. Today I had cranberry oatmeal for breakfast and a family size bag of steamed veggies for lunch, plus I went and ran on the treadmill for 30 minutes on my break. #Score for fitness!

Day 11: FitBit Love

I got a FitBit for my birthday this past year and IT IS AWESOME SAUCE.

I know it’s just a pedometer and whatnot but just the fact that I have it on makes me want to be more mobile. Plus I have the fancy-shmancy one that can record your sleep activities and wake you up my gentle vibrating. It’s pretty great. It’s super easy to upload all of your steps online because it wirelessly syncs it. How cool is that!?

It’s amazing to push myself to hit my daily goal of 8,000 steps. It makes me park farther away from stores or take my pup for an extra walk (when he actually wants to walk in this cold weather). You can even set it so it has motivational texts on its display every once and awhile. My favorite ones are:

• Love Ya
• Hug Me
• Smooches

My FitBit might be falling in love with me. But who can blame it? I’m adorable.

  

Day 10: Pinterest Inspirations and Favorites

Who isn’t obsessed with Pinterest these days? You search for healthy lunch meals and the next thing you know, you’re elbow deep in infographs about Lee Pace’s eyes. It has been known to happen! One thing I adore about Pinterest is that you can name your boards whatever you want. I like naming mine silly things that are a play on words for the theme of the board. Enjoy! 

Board: Words I Needed

Board: Words I Needed

Board: Fitness Into My Life

Board: Fitness Into My Life

Board: Oh My

Board: Clever Girl

Board: Clever Girl

Day 9: Weekly Goal Update

Check in time!

This first week(ish) of the year has really been an eye opener. I’ve been eating clean and working out as planned. I’m feeling better about myself more and more every single day. I can already see a difference in the clearness of my skin and my shrinking waist line. I know some weeks will not be as amazing as this one, but I am striving to be the best I can be every day. One Day at a Time. Hope everyone had an awesome week. Good things are coming everyone's way this year. Let's keep working hard and staying healthy. My long term goals are still being chipped away slowly. I will post more when I cross one off my list. 

Daily Goals: 

• Eliminate pop from my dietBeside from a sip of a Wild Cherry Pepsi, I have not had any other pop. Giving up pop is a failry simple goal to stick to because to me, pop is a treat. I never really drank more than three cans a week if I was drinking it at all. Yay! 

• Work out at least five times a weekYup yup yup. Got my daily work outs in despite this brutally cold weather. Makes me feel really proud of myself that I am able to keep up with working out. I love working out more so because of the endorphin high and the sense of accomplishment I get afterward. Weight loss is 70% what you eat and 30% exercise. I love that 30% though. Yay!

• Get at least 8,000 steps a day on my Fit BitThis is the one goal that I need to work on the most. I've been doing okay, but okay doesn't cut it. Here's the breakdown of my daily steps. Jan 1: 648 * Jan 2: 9104 *Jan 3: 10212 * Jan 4: 4714 * Jan 5: 8473 * Jan 6: 7068 * Jan 7: 8684

•  Daily Record of Food Consumption in my Food Journal
  I love my food journal because it's a purple polka dotted Moleskin notebook. I also record my water intake, meditation time/reflections, and my total steps. Yay! 

• Blog every day for the entire 2015 yearYou're reading it right now. :) Yay! 

• Meditate at least three times a weekThis week I have meditated every day but one, which was the other day after I ate the pizza and felt dizzy. I'm loving taking about 15 minutes out of my day to recharge my mind and allow it to relax with some deep breathing and mindfulness. Yay!

• Journal dailyI should probably change this goal to journaling on the weekdays. I mainly get too busy during the weekend to take time to reflect. But I will start pushing myself to journal at least a page a day on Saturday and Sunday. 

Day 8: So That was Weird

I’ve been eating clean for the past 7 days. Almost completely eliminating sugar from my diet and drinking a ton of water. Last night we decided to get pizza and enjoy the cold weather curled up watching a movie.

I should have known better.

Holy hell of all things! About 30 minutes after I finished eating I got dizzy, nauseous and irritable. I could hardly see straight my head hurt so much. I downed a glass of water and Tylenol before climbing into bed. I woke up this morning sick to my stomach and aching in pain. I felt like I had food poisoning. How did I live on this stuff before???? It is seriously toxic to my body. Ugh. I was so sick I couldn’t even get through a minute of meditation.  

I’m not saying that I won’t indulge in pizza or anything that’s not healthy, but I do know that I cannot consume the quantity that I used to, nor want to in all frankness. I’m actually really enjoying eating clean and healthy. It boosts my confidence to know that I am taking care of myself, as well as I plain enjoy the taste of veggies and fruits. Plus I’m like obsessed with water to no end.

I really enjoy that this is a LIFESTYLE change. It’s not some deprivation diet that will bite me in the ass a few weeks from now. I am changing my life course one day and choice at a time. I love the way it’s stretching me mentally and spiritually. I’m finally feeling more like the self I knew I was meant to be.  

Day 7: The Cold, the Bitter, and the Ugly

Winters in Chicago are the worst.

I love snow, but I do not like the bitter and freezing temperatures that go along with it. There should be no reason (other than an emergency) to leave your house when it is negative degrees outside. NEGATIVE.

I had to work late last night because of some people’s lack of time management and general awareness. I was in a crappy mood because of it and all I wanted to do was eat ice cream and watch TV. The whole ride home I kept thinking that I deserve to have a treat for my crappy day. But then a louder voice broke through and said “no you deserve a work out and some time to play with your puppy”. I ended up coming home and eating a small dinner before running out to the library and back to spend some time with the pup. It was too cold and late for me to drive out to the gym, so I decided to do an at-home circuit training routine. I ended up doing the following exercises 3x each:

• 10 push-ups
• 20 sit ups
• 20 lunges on each leg
• 25 squats
• 80 jumping jacks
• 60 second wall sits
• 30 second front plank/30 second side planks

It was actually a pretty decent work out for not going to the gym. My heart rate was up and I was sweating like crazy. I can feel a lot of the work I did yesterday in my stomach today. Which is always a good sore to have.

At work today, one of my co-workers asked if I had lost weight. I was elated to know that my hard work is slowly paying off! People are noticing my slimmer ass and waist line. More clean eating and more gym time! I’m loving the challenge of all this. Meditation had really been helping to keep me focused, centered, and mentally happy.

I'm really proud of myself for not giving in to my old habits and making a poor eating choice. Not only is eating healthy good for my stomach, but it's saving me a ton of money I would have otherwise spent on some junk food. It actually wasn't too hard to convince myself to make a positive/healthy choice because I didn't want to have the pain of regret and a stomachache from too much diary. Not to mention, if I ate like shit there is no way I would have found the motivation to work out. It's a win-win all around.

Day 6: A Break-Up Letter to Pop

Dearest (Soda) Pop,

It’s you not me. We can’t see each other anymore. I’m sure I’ll run into you at the grocery store, a friend’s fridge, and any place that has a vending machine, but let’s just nod politely and continue on our separate ways.

You've been really supportive; like how you’re always my alternative to alcohol or how you motivate me to not fall asleep at my desk. But in reality I see now how toxic you are. You take all that is good out of me and you never give anything in return. I get stressed out when you’re around me now. My face breaks out like I’m going through puberty and I get the shakes. Not the good kind of shakes.

Our binge days and nights were fun but I've grown out of your cheap and quick highs. I need something that’s going to make me a better and healthier person. That’s why I've fallen head over heels in love with water. He makes me feel alive and focused like I never felt with you. I’m sorry, but there’s no changing my mind about this.

I’ll miss the way the mere sight of you caused all of my senses to be on high alert. I’ll miss the way your hold on me was better than any drug. I’ll miss holding you in my hands, cradling you like a baby. Goodbye Dr. Pepper. Goodbye Wild Cherry Pepsi. Goodbye Coke Zero. Goodbye Mountain Dew Code Red, I’ll miss you the most.

But I won’t miss you enough to go back. I’m better than that now. I deserve to treat myself better. 

Healthfully Yours, 

Alexa 

P.S. I'm sure there will be nights that I will relapse. I apologize in advanced for using you as a drink (booty) call. I'm not always as strong as I want to be. 

Day 5: Mindfully Coming Back to Myself

In my quest to create a sustainable and healthy lifestyle, most of my research has led me back to Mindfulness and Meditation. I’ve read a ton on the benefits of meditation and how it can help lower stress and anxiety (uhhh yes and please). Not only that, it helps improve sleep, digestion, relieves depression, helps you process emotions more effectively, and it makes you find your true self. I’ve listened to guided meditation and even use a few apps to get in my few minutes of relaxation, but the habit has yet to stick despite all the amazing benefits and no added sugar.   

One of my goals for 2015 is to create a lasting meditation practice that I can carry out far beyond this year alone. So far, I’ve meditated every day this year (yes I know it’s only 5 days in but it’s better than I’ve done before) and I can tell you that I’m kind of hooked on it right now. I get this electric buzz/current rushing through me after about 10 minutes. It’s like my whole body has come alive because I am getting closer to my true self. I find myself getting lost in my breath and feeling more centered and in control of my thoughts and emotions that ever before. Yesterday when I was meditating, there were a lot of distracting sounds and music, but I kept breathing and kept gently bringing myself back from wandering thoughts. It was a great lesson to learn; not every meditation session is going to be perfect, but that’s like life. You just have to keep on keeping on.

The thing I am most looking forward to finding and discovering through meditation is my true inner self. I feel like I have given so much of my heart and time to experiences and people that didn’t know what to do with it. It’s not their fault or mine for a shattered soul, but it’s made me a little more wary about sharing myself with anyone. I want to get back to the point where love pours out of me and I can’t help but give a little bit of myself to everything. I want to invest fully in every moment of my life without thinking that I will never get that part of me back. I want to be like the Source, to be infinite, to be all and one in the same.  

Day 4: A few inspirations

I find inspiration everywhere I turn. It could be something as epic as a call to action for a good cause, or something as finely detailed as the look on someone’s face when they think no one is watching. There is inspiration and beauty all around us. There are so many things that grab hold of my soul and make me remember who I really am. Here are a few current things that make my heart beat back to my true self. 

my dog Jackson aka Doodle

perfect night

Lee Pace. dream man

Chris Pratt. drool

Fall Out Boy. favorite band

life motto

home

Day 3: My word of the year

I see that a lot of people, in lieu of making resolutions, opt to choose a word that will carry them through the year. This word can be anything that inspires or reminds you to stick to a new habit. I’ve been thinking for several days about what I want my word to be. I didn’t want it to be too generic and mean nothing, so I put it in the back of my mind and went about my business. Yesterday while I was lifting weights and the gym, my word of the year came to me, clearer than before. My 2015 word of the year is:

 AWAKE

It perfectly aligns with my goals for the year and describes instantly how I want to live my life going forward. I have been sleepwalking through the last couple of years and I’m finally seeing the horrible effects of going through the motions. I’ve missed opportunities because of my unpreparedness, fear, and overall lack of self-confidence. I don’t want to be that anymore because I know I am better than that. I am done with selling myself and my accomplishments short. I am going to live boldly and constantly be AWAKE to the beautiful world around me. I want to engage in life and love and experiences. I want to be open to good things coming my way. I need to live more and hide less.

The more conscious I am about being mindful and AWAKE, the more challenging I find it to justify the things I do that do not serve my bigger needs. Spending aimless time on social media sites, or picking apart my body because I don’t look like everyone else, or not being as loving and friendly as I can to every single person I come in contact with. We’re all fighting a battle, might as well not add to it with your shitty outlook on life.

Here’s to continuing the year fully AWAKE and ready for all life has in store. 

Day 2: Sugar is essentially rat poison

Last night I watched this fascinating documentary called Fed Up. It’s about how everything we’ve known about food is completely wrong. Most people think that if you want to lose weight, you just have to work out and eat a certain amount of calories. In reality, we need to be watching WHAT we eat. There is a ton of added sugar in pretty much every single item on any grocery store’s shelves.

These added sugars make your metabolism slow down, while hiking up your cravings and making you consume even more food. Sugar is essentially as addicting if not more than alcohol and tobacco products. But government regulators aren’t too keen on keeping us informed about any of this because the more we are addicted to sugar, the more we crave and buy it. They’re in it for the profit, which is going to have detrimental effects on our nation (more so than it already has).

Cutting out sugar from your diet is on par with trying to quit smoking. There will be withdrawal symptoms like headaches, irritability, and lethargy. No wonder it’s so hard to stay away from sweets when we are addicted to them like heroin. Except it’s perfectly legal and acceptable to feed your habit.

This all makes perfect sense in my life. It explains so much why I am so obsessed with having candy daily; it is literally an addiction. I get upset when I haven’t had chocolate or I get tired if I go a few days without ice cream. That’s insane to me. I am not going to let sugar take hold of my body or my mind. Now that I am aware of the consequences, it will be easier to bypass certain food. This year, I am going to be smarter about the food choices I consume. No more fast food or processed meals. I am going to be cooking more to help eliminate my consumption of added sugar.

I know for me, when I consume foods high in sugar I get into a fog. It’s only when I fast or haven’t eaten all day that I come out of the haze. I don’t want to be anything but fully present in my life. My clarity will come from eating clean and avoiding sugar when possible. 

Day 1: The start of something new

*Yes the title of this post may be a slight head nod to High School Musical*

It’s here! 2015 is finally here!

It seems like I’ve been waiting so long for the New Year to arrive. It’s not like I couldn’t have started being better about my eating choices before we completed another trip around the sun, but I don’t know. There’s something to feeling like you have a fresh start. A new year, a new set of challenges and triumphs to accomplish.

I know it’s only day one and the hype of starting something new is still carrying me, but there is something different about this year. I can’t fully find the words to explain it. Maybe it’s just intuition or a gut feeling, but things are definitely looking up.

It helps that in the past week I’ve been trying to eliminate as much sugar and mindless eating as I can. I find myself having to really focus and stay in the moment to get past old eating habits and to ride out the temporary emotion of thinking that I’m hungry. I’m usually not hungry. It’s more so that I am trying to numb or remove a thought or landslide of thoughts from taking me down.

It’s kind of crazy to me to think of how much more time I have when I’m not obsessing about food. I think about food A LOT. I never realized how much I really am just constantly worrying about what I should eat next and when and how guilty I feel about eating said food.

It stems from the notion of feeling like I don’t deserve to have the body or mind frame that I want. It’s messed up logic, that’s for sure. But I think it scares me to feel like what I want is really and truly completely up to me. I can make it happen if I go forward toward it and put in the work.

That’s all it takes to make a dream into a goal into reality. Put in the work. Every day. When it’s easy. Especially when it’s difficult. Keep going when you don’t want to. Keep going when you don’t have an ounce of willpower or fight in you. Because you do. You are better and stronger and braver than you ever thought you were. You are amazing and fully deserving of every bit of happiness you find in life. Enjoy it all because you are worth the fight.