Day 16: Ending the Week on a Zen Moment

Obviously this week has not been great, but it came and went all the same. I did a great exercise my therapist told me called "The Anger Iceberg". When you are angry it's only really the tip of the iceberg of your emotions. Anger is always masking other feelings. So what you do is you get a piece of paper and draw an iceberg with a waterline. Above the waterline is ANGER. Below the waterline is where you write everything out, what you're really feeling. It was extremely cathartic and just naming what was really bothering me dispersed my anger.

To bring us into the weekend, here's a Zen Moment for you.

Day 15: You Wouldn't Like Me When I'm Angry

I'm not really used to feeling rage or being livid, or being so frustrated my heart beats in my eyeballs.

This is my daily 9-5 right now. It's been building for awhile, but now it seems too much to handle. I dread every single morning (except for Saturdays). How is that for a life? It's not. I think that's why I get even more upset. I know I'm worth more than that. Than this. Yet every day I show up. I have to. Because everyone else around me seems incapable of being reliable.

I'm so sick of everyone and everything at work dictating my mood. I am miserable for 9 hours a day and beyond overwhelmed with stuff after work. It seems like I just can't get out of this cycle. I love doing improv, but it's a ton of driving and planning to make sure the pup gets a walk in and fed again. I'm feeling like everything is becoming my responsibility and there's no one there to help me out if I stumble and fall. I'm just tired of being the most competent person in the fucking room.

I feel like the past week has just been me complaining and feeling like a victim. I hate feeling this way. I can't shake it. Everything is setting me on edge. A tiny and minor irritation is making me want to rip my skin off and scream at the top of my lungs. My throat is constantly constricting and my heart will randomly speed up. I catch myself realizing I have a scowl on my face. It's like this black cloud won't stop raining on me. My journal entries are awful and dark. This mood scares me to pieces.  

Day 14: Blerg

This whole week has not been great. Currently my mood is anywhere between "dear God help me" and "I'm just gonna jump".

I can hardly see straight I am so beyond frustrated and done with a lot of current situations in my life. My dreams are hardly any relief seeing as I am dreaming about ants, which symbolizes feeling unnecessary and insignificant. #PartyOnWayne

I need a change and I need it now. I've always been one to shy away from change because I fear the unknown of it all. But honestly, anything is going to better than what it is now.

Praying and praying and asking and asking.

Day 13: Yes or No

When I get stressed at work because no one seems to have any respect for deadlines, I always tell myself it’ll either get done or it won’t. That’s really the only two options. It calms my nerves a bit to think about it in those black and white terms. It’s a yes or no. There’s no other path.

I used to think this way in high school when I would get nervous about an upcoming game. I would remind myself that no matter what someone will win and someone will lose. Tomorrow was still going to come around and the outcome would be one of the two options.

I still come back to this notion while I wait for opportunities, specifically right now about a new job. I’m anxious and nervous and excited and impatient. Sometimes the anticipation of the answer is worse than the outcome. But when I find myself getting all worked up over it I just think I will get the job or I won’t. Those are the only options. Either path will lead me somewhere new, whether it be a great new position or an entirely different one that wasn’t on my radar yet.

But no matter what happens, I control my reaction to it. I don’t fear rejection as much as I once did because I don’t give it any power. It is just one of the outcomes that is possible. It is neither good nor bad, it just is. When things don’t work out the way I want them to it’s usually for a specific reason, like something better is on the horizon or I really would not have been happy. It’s odd, but when things don’t work out, I’m grateful for it because I know there’s a reason behind it (even if I can’t see that reason for some time).

A small victory for me today: I was getting my oil changed and an older woman chose to sit right next to me, even though the place was completely empty and there were a ton of other seats. I chose to see it as an opportunity to strike up a conversation. We pleasantly chatted and laughed together. It was nice to push myself out of my comfort zone and interact with a stranger. She was really nice and it boosted my confidence to get out of my shy shell and participate in the world. 

Day 12: Fuck Mondays

I’m hurting today. Mentally and emotionally.

It’s just one of those Mondays where things go from bad to worse to detrimental. It’s days like today where I have to constantly remind myself to keep it together, to not lose my shit, to not cry, to not do something drastic. It’s days like these that make me question over and over what the fuck am I doing with my only life?

I am so fucking miserable right now. I feel like I am drowning. I can see the surface, but it’s like a hazy memory that I can’t seem to fully recall no matter how hard I try. I am so sick of coming to a job every single day that takes everything away from me. This is not the environment I want to be a part of. I am done with wasting my life.

I feel like I am trying to numb myself a lot, especially at work. I constantly am browsing online when I could be editing or writing. At least I have my eating to a healthy place. Today I had cranberry oatmeal for breakfast and a family size bag of steamed veggies for lunch, plus I went and ran on the treadmill for 30 minutes on my break. #Score for fitness!

Day 11: FitBit Love

I got a FitBit for my birthday this past year and IT IS AWESOME SAUCE.

I know it’s just a pedometer and whatnot but just the fact that I have it on makes me want to be more mobile. Plus I have the fancy-shmancy one that can record your sleep activities and wake you up my gentle vibrating. It’s pretty great. It’s super easy to upload all of your steps online because it wirelessly syncs it. How cool is that!?

It’s amazing to push myself to hit my daily goal of 8,000 steps. It makes me park farther away from stores or take my pup for an extra walk (when he actually wants to walk in this cold weather). You can even set it so it has motivational texts on its display every once and awhile. My favorite ones are:

• Love Ya
• Hug Me
• Smooches

My FitBit might be falling in love with me. But who can blame it? I’m adorable.

  

Day 10: Pinterest Inspirations and Favorites

Who isn’t obsessed with Pinterest these days? You search for healthy lunch meals and the next thing you know, you’re elbow deep in infographs about Lee Pace’s eyes. It has been known to happen! One thing I adore about Pinterest is that you can name your boards whatever you want. I like naming mine silly things that are a play on words for the theme of the board. Enjoy! 

Board: Words I Needed

Board: Words I Needed

Board: Fitness Into My Life

Board: Fitness Into My Life

Board: Oh My

Board: Clever Girl

Board: Clever Girl