How much control do you want

Despite everything else, I am more confident that I will stick to my slow transition into a healthy lifestyle. I know what it’s like to fail at pretty much everything I do. I know how to bounce back quicker now and not get so defeated that I turn to even more unhealthy choices.

This year has made me felt like I have been backed into a corner, which then turned into a box, which is now slowly filling with cold water. That water is at my eye level right now. Some days it’s hard to get to the next minute without feeling like I am going to drown. That’s why I know 2015 is going to be better than last year. It has to be. The alternative is suffocation.

Mostly everything in life is out of your control. You can’t change people or correctly predict the outcome of situations. All you can do is put yourself in the best position to succeed. When you live with that mindset, you’ll realize that you actually DO have more control than you once believed. You decide your first thought of the day and every single thought from there on out. You decide what you’re going to eat or if you’ll let your excuses keep you from working out. You decide what you spend your time on; if you’re going to work toward your goal or watch another episode on Netflix. You decide if you’re going to give up your long-term plans for some short-term gain. YOU DO HAVE A SAY IN HOW YOU LIVE YOUR LIFE.

Go forward this year and be fearless with your time. Use your days to fill yourself with love and purpose. Don’t let anyone dictate how you live and how you brighten the world. It’s all up to you. How’s that for control?

Motivation board: Are you not entertained?

I’m really gearing up for this New Year in a way that is different than the previous. I am at a breaking point with almost everything in my life right now, so I am serious about making changes.

It’s human nature to shy/turn away from any situation that brings discomfort or pain. I have learned in the past couple of years to lean into those feelings to get to the other side. Not doing something because the discomfort, even for a short period of time, is too much is an excuse that no longer holds up. Show yourself that you’re stronger than your excuses and justifications. Enjoy the moments of uneasiness because that means you (finally) getting out of your comfort zone. It’s beyond empowering to do something that past you had been too afraid to ever conquer.

This year, I want you to be fearless and courageous. Do something that scares the complete shit out of you. It doesn’t have to be anything outrageous either. It could simply be something like making that phone call you’ve put off, or writing the first sentence to your great novel. Whatever it is, do it. We have such a finite amount of time to share everything we are with the world. Don’t let this year slip by without making it better. You are stronger and more amazing than you’ve ever given yourself credit for, don’t lose that spark.   

My discomfort is going to come in the form of a complete lifestyle change revolving around food. It’s cliché, I know, to make huge and declarative resolutions to lose weight. Trust me, I know it is. And I’m sure it’s just as cliché to say that this year will be different, but at some point that statement is correct right? The way I am eating and treating my body is not lined up with my bigger goals. I do not have the energy required to keep me sharp throughout the day. Nor do I have the clear skin I thought I would have once I passed puberty. I don't want to feel sluggish in the mornings and I certainly don't want to look in the mirror and be repulsed by what stares back at me. I want to be the person I've felt like I was meant to be, both inside and out. That's why I am making changes no matter what the temporary discomfort may be.  

This is truly my year. I can feel it. I can totally feel that good things are on the horizon. I've put in the groundwork and I will finally be seeing the effort pay off. Instead of this making me sit back and relax, it's only making me want to work harder; it's like the sprint at the end of a marathon. 

The thing I geek out about most is motivating people and myself. I love having vision boards and quotes to constantly keep me on track and amped up. Thank god for Pinterest (seriously it’s a creative mind’s playground) because I found awesome examples of Fitness Motivation Boards. I decided to make my own to keep me going when times get tough this year, because we all know they will.

I am blown away by how much I love my board. I’m currently working on my food/workout journal to keep within my allotted caloric intake and daily workouts. I am also recording my FitBit steps and meditation reflections. I will have pictures of that up here soon. But for now, I present to you my Motivation Board.  

Being done and starting new

Enough is enough.

I’ve decided that I am done putting up with things that no longer serve me in a positive light. I will no longer put up with situations or people that make me feel less than who I deserve to be. I am exhausted by the exertion of caring for people who clearly don’t feel the same way. I am beyond done with this job that strips me from any happiness; that has repeatedly told me that what I do here on a daily basis (when there actually is any work at all to do) is not good enough, not this enough, not that enough.

I AM DONE WITH ALL OF IT.

In improv we are taught to say Yes and… it’s a way to agree and build on a scene/relationship. I try to live by this principal in my daily life so I can open myself up to friendships and opportunities, but seriously? I’m done with that. This coming New Year get ready for me to say a lot more of the word No. I’m going to be like a two year old who finally came to terms with the magical word. I am not going to feel an ounce of guilt for putting myself first.

Last year I made a little bit of the same declaration and have stuck to it fairly well. But this is a whole new level of not putting up with any more bullshit. I’m done. I’m so over it. I’m so beyond over it. I’m done waking up not wanting the day to start. I’m done not being able to look in the mirror because I dislike so much of what I see. I’m done draining my life for a job that gives me the opposite of purpose.

2015 is going to be the year that shifts my life. I can feel it. I’m not looking back anymore. I am not apologizing for being me. I am going to celebrate all that I have accomplished because of my work ethic and not let anything stand in my way.

My 2015 Goals

When I was younger I had two life goals. One was to play in the WNBA and the second was to be the first female to become a Harlem Globetrotter. I became obsessed with basketball in sixth grade and although we didn’t have much money, my parents sent me to Doug Bruno’s basketball camp one summer. Doug Bruno is the head girls coach for the DePaul Blue Devils, a man who has gone hoarse from years of yelling and coaching. He’s a spark for anyone with even the smallest ounce of passion. I was 12 the summer I went to his camp, and although it was only four days long, it still remains one of the most influential experiences of my life.

Doug Bruno told us that if we want to achieve anything you have to make goals. He said that every six months you should take out a piece of paper and write down everything you want to achieve. Then place that list somewhere you’ll see it constantly and work like hell to cross everything off that list. Since that fateful summer, I have religiously made goals. Some I’ve achieved, but for the most part, I have failed.

I look back at all those failures and I don’t feel remorse or regret or longing. Instead I feel my 12 year old self’s blind ambition to be something greater than I ever thought I had access to become. There weren’t many people telling me I couldn’t do something back then. There was encouragement and support by the dozens. Today I still find support and a you-can-do-it kind of hurrah, but it seems like I almost have to earn it and have success before anyone gets on board.

I don’t make goals to please other people. I don’t do a lot of things just to look good in front of others. I do things because it’s the person I want to be, the person I want others to use as an example or a guiding light. You don’t have to go with the flow, in fact, I think it’s better to push your way up stream, if not for the challenge, than for the sheer experience of knowing you’re strong enough.

My goals for 2015 are for me. They will be what you’ll be reading about as the New Year approaches and carries on. I hope these inspire you to write your own goals and stick with them no matter how hard the current is pushing you back. You are more powerful than you ever imagined, if you just stopped listening to everyone’s chatter and trust your inner voice.

2015 Personal Goals

•  Eliminate pop from my diet
• Work out at least five times a week
• Get at least 8,000 steps a day on my Fit Bit
• Daily recording of food intake in my Food Journal
•  Run in (3) 5K and (1) 10K
• Finish first year of my Master’s in Library and Information Science Program
• Publish my first book
• Blog every day for the entire 2015 year
• Pay off my car
• Meditate at least three times a week
• Write another book (60,000 words)
• Journal daily
• Become an ensemble member on Laugh Out Loud's Mainstage

Beginning is the hardest step

I make a lot of promises to myself with the best intentions of keeping them. Like most best laid plans, life gets in the way and excuses become best friends. As I got ready for work this morning, I just couldn’t do THIS anymore. You know the feeling right? The one that knocks you to the side and won’t let you get up. That feeling that you’re so far off the path that you’re practically buried in the dirt five miles out. I am miserable beyond comprehension. I feel disgusting because of my unhealthy coping strategies for stress and depression. I’m sick of being this shell of a person. For the entire year of 2015 I will be keeping a blog of my life, to document my struggles to go against what is comfortable and familiar, to become the person I want to be.

This blog is named Daring Greatly from the fantastic quote by Theodore Roosevelt that I came across while reading one of Brene Brown’s books. The quote is:

"It’s not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena, whose face is marred by dust and sweat and blood; who strives valiantly; who errs, who comes short again and again, because there is no effort without error and shortcoming; but who does actually strive to do the deeds; who knows great enthusiasm, the great devotions; who spends himself in a worthy cause; who at the best knows in the end the triumph of high achievement, and who at the worst, if he fails, at least fails while Daring Greatly."